Voldemort the Great
by icefire-lioness
Summary: Harry Potter finds a diary by Voldemort. Is it what we expect? Ah, no. Not really.
1. Chapter 1

One fine and fateful day, Harry Potter (also known as he-with-an-arse-load-of-hyphens-in-his-name) was sitting on the loo, minding his own business (and getting quite het up about it too), when all of a sudden, his toilet exploded.

"Well." said Harry, dusting himself off as he sat in the remains of the cubicle.

"That was unexpected."

He, being a curious boy, looked around what had once been his favourite lavatory, but his gaze was met only with blown apart bits of toilet and a large amount of dust.

"My." said Harry sadly, scratching his nose.

"What a waste of a loo."

When SUDDENLY he looked to his left.

"Wonder what made me do that?" Harry thought, and then proceeded to forget about it when he saw what he was looking at.

It soon got into his hands and was being scrutinised quite carefully.

"Wonder what this is?" Harry mumbled, as he shook the squarish, leather bound pieces of paper in a Not Very Careful Way.

He glanced at the front of it and said "oh!", which was a coincidence, as 'o' is the first letter of this story. But anyway.

"Hmm." said Harry, in a detective-ish sort of way.

"I do believe this is a book I am holding in my extremely sexy hands."

"Yup." said a gloomy voice behind him.

"Oh, hallo Myrtle." said Harry, shaking the book again, for no other reason than he liked to shake things.

"That was thrown at my head, it was." said Myrtle in a moanish kind of voice.

She picked at a spot on her nose while Harry made suitably apologetic noises and tried to get a piece of plaster off his nose.

"What's it say on the front?" he asked himself curiously, as he was wont to crazy things like that.

Myrtle didn't say anything, just continued to pick at a spot on her chin.

"Hmm. 'The Diary of Voldemort the Great, or, I, Voldemort (Still the Great), Who is Quite Awesome Actually, and has Nice Toenails.' Wonder what it's about?"

As some of you brighter young things may have worked out, Harry Potter wasn't exactly what you'd call the sharpest needle in the haystack.

"Maybe a diary by Voldemort?" Myrtle said sarcastically, but somehow managing still to be dismal.

Harry shook his head wisely.

"Nope. I think it's a diary by Voldemort."

Myrtle snorted and sat in a puddle of water.

"So read it, Boy Wonder."

Harry shrugged and made to open the book, when…

"Harry! Mate! Stop!"

Ron Weasley, who is also known as Harry's best mate, and the youngest son of the family which has single-handedly made sure that humans will populate the earth for centuries to come, was running towards them, a look of horror on his face.

"Don't open that!" he yelled, and Harry looked at him in a looking down upon way.

"Why not Ronnikins?" he asked, shaking the book like nobodies business.

"Because, it might have a curse on it! You could grow teacups for ears,  
or…or…become a …frog. Or something." He ended lamely.

Harry grinned.

"Right. But I don't care because I'm a Gryffindor and I'm brave and extremely stupid!"

"And you might learn something about Voldemort's plans to take over the world." said Myrtle in a low voice, while Harry ignored her stridently.

"Aha! Ron! I've just thought! If I read this, I might learn something!"

"Highly doubtful." Myrtle muttered, and Harry tried to hit her, but just ended up with a cold wrist.

"Silly. So let's open it!" Harry exclaimed, forgetting Myrtle altogether.

Ron seemed to forget his highly unlikely appearance and the reason behind it, so that he could become enthusiastic.

"Awesome! What does it say?"

Harry opened to the first page and began to read out loud.

**Tuesday 28 February**

_8st 3(really need to put some weight on, am beginning to look like Potter. Skinny rag.), status of Harry Potter: still alive (not v.g), Girlfriends 0 (v. sad. Am going to die alone.), status of Malfoy (snr): still very much alive (no heart beat though). Should send him on a suicide mission. Is beginning to get on my nerves._

**8.30 am **  
Bloody Malfoy. Hate him so much. Honestly. The lack of respect day after day is absolutely beyond human endurance. This morning he came into the Headquarters looking all smug and twirling his stupid pimp cane and said in that bloody awful oily voice "Master, I think it is time we did something about The Order of the Phoenix. They are foiling every plot we have put forward so far. If we are to succeed in the war, we must obliterate them." Grrr. Telling me what to do. I can tell he wants to be the Master, but I am too powerful (ha ha!!). Wanted to pound him into the ground but am still too weak (stupid body, I look like a mushroom). So I crucio-ed him. Felt better. He got up, looking less smug (serves him right.); with his stupid long hair all over the place (I wish he'd get it cut, he is a disgrace to the Death Eater name. Honestly. He looks like he should be out in a pimp mobile, picking up girls (like he could) and telling them to do it with old, spotty guys, not lurking in corners (creepy bastard) and killing them) hmm. Maybe should get a more worthwhile, fulfilling job. TV Personality perhaps? No, even I wouldn't sink that low. People like that are cruel.

**8.50am**  
Well. Haven't decided what to do about the Order. Finally had to admit that Malfoy was right (took a lot of whingeing on my part though). Hmmm. Oh well. Am going to sit in my Big Chair. Always makes me feel important. Which makes me happy. Ooh. Bellatrix just came in. She is lovely. Love looking at her when in Big Chair. V. sexy eyes and long hair. Not that sex object or anything. Interested in brain and capacity for evil. Mmmm…  
**  
****8.54am**  
Wish she would notice me. I mean, obviously, she notices me. I am Voldemort. But I mean, notice me. Like, in that way. Huh. Have decided I hate Rodolphus now too. Stupid man. He is the only thing standing between Bella and I. If I wanted, I could kill him (obviously). But I am nobler than that (ha ha, that's funny. Noble. Oh, will have to tell Bella. Maybe she will laugh. No, though. Was talking about Lestrange. He must die.)

**8.56am**  
Wonder how can get rid of him? Could, possibly, send him with Malfoy on that Suicide Mission.

**8.57am**  
And Wormtail too, come to think of it. What is he still alive for? He should have died quite a while ago I think. Why did I keep him alive in the first place? He hasn't exactly been helpful. Oh, though. Did help me kill the Potters. Hmm. That was thirteen years ago. Should kill him I suppose….GAAH!!

**  
****8.58am**  
Stupid Malfoy, sneaking around the place. Nearly gave me a heart attack. He must die. Oh well, for now, should just crucio him.  
**  
****10.27am**  
Ha ha. Malfoy was just being tortured for a long time. I didn't do it though. My stupid arm is too weak to hold my wand up for ages. It was very funny, watching Malfoy writhe around on the ground, screaming in pain. Clapped my hands together a bit. It was strangely comforting. Had a bit of a giggle. But stopped because Bella looked at me strangely. I think I have a pimple. She must think I am disgusting. Oh well. Will just have to get Wormtail to make me a face mask.

**10.28am**  
Depending what goes into a face mask.  
**  
****10.29am**  
Just asked Malfoy. He looked at me oddly and then said, smooth as you like, "Oats, sometimes. Or you might want to try honey and yoghurt. It makes your skin glow. If you want to get rid of pimples, try a clay, honey and milk one." Grrr. He noticed the pimple. And didn't hesitate to mention it. Evil eyed him for a bit. Felt better. He went on, only slightly freaked out looking. Should probably work on evil eye. I think I just look like I'm squinting. The red eyes probably help though. Wonder if I should get them checked. It doesn't seem normal that they are permanently red. "If you're worried about your skin ageing, just use sugar with a bit of water. It exfoliates your skin and softens the lines." Was too busy thinking about what I should try to wonder how he knew all this. It's not as though he has nice skin. Must be his son. He's pretty. And he has good skin. Definitely not hereditary. Should try the pimple one.

**10.34am**  
Except do not have any clay or honey.

**10.35am**  
Or – come to think of it – milk.

**10.36am**  
That's probably why I am permanently weak. Not enough calcium.

**10.37am**  
I should make some kind of eating and exercise plan. Put on some weight and muscle. How many calories is a grown man supposed to have a day?

**10.45am**  
Just asked Wormtail. He said that he had about 2000 a day, but wasn't sure if that was just an approximation. I asked if that was normal. He said that it might not be, but that was how he had such a good body. Yuck. Think should probably ask someone else.

**11.01am**  
Have decided how to get rid of Order and all the stupid men in Death Eater club in one fell swoop. Am v. clever. Obviously. Am Voldemort.

**11.03am**  
Umm. Just had a 'Let's worship Voldemort in our minds and be the most special evil person in the world to date for no fathomable reason' moment. Was fun. Anyway, am going to kill everyone (except Bella and (v.) few Death Eaters I still like) in a battle. Which should be entertaining. Am not going to go though. Because that's my plan. I will send everyone I want to die to the battle, but tell the Order (anonymously, obviously) that they are coming so they will have equal chance, but all die anyway. Am so clever. Evidently. Am me.

**11.04am**  
Oh though. What about the war. Will have no-one left on my side. They will all be dead. (ha ha!). Tried out my pretend inconsolable look but ended up laughing. Was a bit embarrassing really, as everyone had been talking and they all turned to stare at me. Including Bella (sexy girl). Had to do my Evil Eye, but ended up looking like a semi-literate mouth breather with eye problems. Have to work on that.  
**  
****1.35pm**  
Just ordered Wormtail to get me food (v. imperiously too, I sound so good when I am being imperious.) and he comes running back saying we have no food. Told him to use his tiny little brain and go and use magic. Honestly. He is so thick. It will be good for all of us when he is dead.

**2.01pm**  
Wormtail finally came back with my lunch (had to crucio him a bit because he was so slow.) and when I had some it was cold. Got v. angry. Don't like cold soup. Threw it at him. The bowl broke on his head. Was v. funny. Laughed a bit. Have a freaky laugh. All cold and high pitched. Even when am actually amused. Must work on that. Make it warmer. Like my soup. Yelled at Wormtail to warm it up and he did his cowering bit on the carpet, all covered in soup. Laughed a bit more. Was genuinely amused. Then he said to me (talking back. Awfully unpleasant and rude person.) "But Sire," (am not a king. Wormtail is such a sycophant. Love that word. Makes me sound so intelligent.) "It's meant to be cold. It's a chilled soup." Tried v. hard not to blush. How was I supposed to know that? Have only ever had hot soup, and prefer it that way. To make it seem like I knew and it wasn't a mistake on my part, I said, all imperiously, "I did not ask for you to excuse yourself Wormtail. I asked for you to make hot soup. I do not appreciate you talking back." He looked like he was about to say something, so I held my hand out and glared at him, all freaky looking. "Do not speak, lowly worm" I hissed (wow, am so v. good at this evil stuff. Should do it professionally. Oh, am though.) then I crucio-ed him. I probably do that a bit too often. But is so fun. Anyway. After he stopped screaming (was getting a bit impatient and about to tell him to stop because he had been screaming about five minutes after I had stopped, then realised my wand was still pointed at him and I actually hadn't stopped. Tried to look like I had noticed ages before.) I told Malfoy to kick him in the head, which he did (relished it a bit too much I think). Then I told him to make me a hot soup. And don't be so leisurely about it this time. Honestly. He's as slow as an elephant stuck in peanut butter.

**4.24pm**  
Well, he got me the soup. Wasn't cold. Thank Merlin. He probably would have died straight away if it was. No dawdling about and worrying what everyone would think if I just randomly started killing my own people. Wonder if should join the light side. Wonder what they would think. Probably just look at me disbelievingly and say "But you are the dark side. You can't just change!" Actually, that's true. Am the dark side. Mustn't forget that. Am the dark side. Am the dark side. Be dark. Be dark. Be mean, evil. Freaky. Keep your red eyes. Forget about the pimple. Oh though. If I do, then I won't get Bella. She will find me repulsive and probably move to the light side to get away from me and the pulsing red beacon on the side of my face. Sigh.

**9pm**  
Have decided to go to bed. Am getting too freaked out about everything. A good night sleep and I will be over it all. And hopefully Mount Vesuvius will have departed my cheek.

**9.04pm**  
Just before I left to go to sleep, I ran into Bella. Absolutely could not stop myself. I swear I didn't mean to say it. Just came out. I said "Bella, you have beautiful eyes." (so v. v. v. stupid. Don't know what came over me) she just looked at me and, bowing her head, said "Thankyou My Lord." As she left, I could just imagine her saying in her head "Would they were Basilisk's, to strike thee dead!" and cringed. Am a stupid, stupid man.

Harry put the diary down, feeling wet and put out.  
"So. We know his weaknesses."  
"We do?" asked Ron, looking very unconvinced. Then again, he hadn't been listening very carefully.  
"Yeah." said Harry. "Pimples, Bellatrix Lestrange, and soup."  
Ron tried to look happy at this development, but only succeeded in twisting his ankle (don't ask me how he managed this. I have no idea.)  
"So…we've got him. We'll attack with cold soup!"  
Harry punched the in a very unconvincing fashion.  
"Right you are, Ronnie me lad! 'Til death or cold soup!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Thursday 19****th ****March**

_8st 5 (covering non-existent muscles in fat duvet), happy thoughts: 1 (V. good.), status of Harry Potter: still converting oxygen to carbon dioxide (not so good), status of death eaters: alive. All of them. (Also not so good. Oh, no. Wait. They are on my team. Right. V. good.), cigarettes: 0 (should definitely pick this habit up. Seems to me that people who smoke have much lower stress levels. Down side is the cancer and the blood coughing. Shall weigh up options.)_

**9.12 am**

Decided should get up. Evil waits for no man. And all that.

Rolled over, ready to get out of nice, warm, comfy bed; and realised there was frost on my bedside bottle of water (hydration is key to nice skin, don't you know).

Hate this house.

With it's cold draughts and ice on unsuspecting water bottles.

Will die of frooziness.

Went back to sleep.

Evil can wait.

Am Voldemort.

Will wait for me.

**9.15 am**

Realised is Annual March Battle Between Good and Evil tomorrow.

Dammit.

Means I must get up.

Hate my life.

Why am I evil again?

**9.16am**

Oh. Right.

Muggles and mudbloods polluting the world with their filth and all that.

Must get rid of them for a pure world and so on.

Why does that remind me of something?

Right.

Am evil for a reason.

Getting up now.

**9.17am**

Or maybe in an hour or so.

**9.18am**

Is very tiring being an evil overlord type figure.

**9.19am**

Am going to sleep now.

So tired.

**11.52am**

Satin sheets are _crackling_.

Is bloody freezing.

Called Wormtail to ask if we have those marvellous Muggle contraptions called the hot water bottle.

Told him to bring it to me now.

Hate the cold.

Swear bones will crack.

**11.56am**

Wormtail taking much longer than necessary.

Need hot water bottle _now_, not after the apocalypse.

Feel overwhelming sensation of hatred for all moving things that are NOT BRINGING ME MY HOT WATER BOTTLE.

**11.57am**

Wormtail came in all bowing and bloody annoying.

Bloody sycophant (still love saying that).

Saw he was NOT HOLDING MY HOT WATER BOTTLE.

Crucio-ed him.

Felt better.

Still felt cold.

Had unhappy thoughts.

Ordered Wormtail to explain lack of hot water bottle.

He told me that we did not OWN hot water bottles.

This is a sad and unhappy development.

Briefly considered killing myself.

**11.59am**

Realised the irony of having spent so much time and effort on becoming, for the sake of suicide and murder, immortal.

**12.01pm**

Hate irony.

**12.02pm**

Come to think of it, hate a lot of things.

Will make a list of things I hate to amuse myself whilst Wormtail brings me a hot water bottle so that I may unthaw my nose hairs.

**12.03pm**

Realised do not even have a _nose_.

That is v. v. disconcerting.

**List of things I hate (by Voldemort):**

Irony. When it concerns me and I don't like it. Come to think of it, don't mind irony when am having a dashing good time using it against someone. For example, killing someone when they said they were going to kill me for…well…they try to kill me for a lot of things. Am not exactly popular.

Logic. When not in my favour.

Wormtail. He is a disgusting almost-human. Only worthy of my squishing him. Oh, and bringing me things. I suppose that's alright.

Lucius Malfoy. Just bloody hate him and his stupid long hair and his stupid pimp cane.

Draco Malfoy. Honestly. Gave him so many chances and he _still_ didn't manage to kill Dumbledore. (I mean really, _two chances_! That's more than I ever gave…well, anyone.). But still. Is very pretty boy. Will forgive him. And I don't forgive very easily.

Dumbledore. Am glad he is dead. Took long enough though. He was bloody ancient. Hated his stupid calling me Tom. (And the repeating. Honestly, at one point wanted to bash him over the head with the tea-kettle when he started going "Tom, Tom, Tom. You are not a killer!" (am though) "Tom, Tom, Tom, you must give up this quest for evil!" and then he went on, and on, and on… was very distressing what with having to get out to do my homework at the time) As though that made him brave. No, he is just v. stupid and doesn't understand things because he is v. stupid.

Snape. He thinks I do not realise his double crossing ways but I _do_. Am not the world's greatest leglimens for nothing, you know.

Harry Potter. Should really have put him at the top of the list, for appearances sake, but cannot be bothered moving him. Hate him and his stupid glasses and stupid scar (_I _gave him that! Oh. You would know though) and his stupid messy hair (honestly, how much effort does it take to grab a _brush_? Or just shave it off.) Oh, and his stupid ability to stay _alive_. And also hate the fact that he is probably out there laughing with his stupid bloody mates (wish I had friends) about how I cannot KILL HIM. Hate him and his laughing ways.


End file.
